School is an abusive partner. I keep going back, like a Lifetime movie of the week. The holidays are over. Now begins the long march to spring break. It's my resolution to not be bothered by all the petty things that bother my students, thus rendering myself petty. I'm hoping the fact that I'm still here means something to them, and that this might lend to some extra order. In the end, however, I know that I can't and don't want to control them, and soon I'll be somewhere else. I've got one foot out the door. I'm already thinking about how I'll miss some of my co-workers. The administration gave all the teachers a 2008 pocket planner, and I sat on the faculty toilet this morning counting down the months, weeks and days. A poor man says he's still a teacher because of the money.
But the return to school wasn't so bad. My planned obsolescence lends to the ease of the day. I suppose if teaching high school was my calling, then I'd feel a bit more stressed, maybe act as if the administration constantly kept an eye on me (despite their own incompetence). But no, I'm leaving, so my attitude is more like the protagonist of Office Space. If the vice principal (who I loathe; who is much-loathed by all) happened in on my class when they were being somewhat rambunctious, wearing hats and listening to iPods, well, she couldn't really say anything that would bother me. In fact, I might even call her out on some shit, give a mini-lesson on the history of her hypocrisy. If I couldn't convince myself to feel this way, I'd simply have to quit.
Despite all the apparent negativity and cynicism, I do care about my students. I'm doing all students a service by not returning. The only reason I don't leave now is because of the instability that is left in the wake of such departures, which ends up screwing over everyone. But in general, I'm too selfish to teach. Selfish, here, being a relative term. I wouldn't say I'm any more selfish than the average American. In fact, I consider myself significantly less selfish than most. However, the degree of selflessness it takes to be a great teacher makes the average person seem like a Scrooge. I know that I'm not willing to put in that kind of effort, and students deserve better.
Sadly, I don't believe the amazing, selfless teacher will become the norm until education is valued beyond the currently held lip-service ideals. Not only do teachers need money (they already spend tons of their meager pay on materials for class), but they need the esteem of the engineer or the doctor. An excellent reading teacher is just as valuable as a top-notch neurosurgeon. In the meantime, many students will have to suffer through mediocre teachers who have found themselves a comfortable position regurgitating the same bullshit each year. I like to think I have the decency to step out of the profession gracefully, tip my hat to the good teachers, and bow out before I make a mess.
2 comments:
You know,my house mate and I were just talking about how what is really so lame about your situation-are the limited resources, support, and training that you have at your disposal. Even with all of this-first year teaching is really awful sometimes-but it seems like, at the end of the day, I have more good days than bad days.
ps. most grad school apps have to be postmarked by a specific day and not received by then.
I'm currently struggling with whether to stay in the city myself. (Not that I could necessarily get a job in our country-club-like suburban schools, but I could always work at a bookstore.) I know these kids need me, and I know they need me more than the suburban kids, but the whole atmosphere here is just stifling. The kids are uncontrolled, the teachers are bitchy and obnoxious, and I just go home at the end of every day ready to die. When I was a substitute teacher, even when I was in the poor, high-ESOL schools, it wasn't like this. I don't like who I have to become to be successful. And maybe I don't have to become that person, but I sure don't have any role models to the contrary.
Sigh.
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